Friday, December 22, 2006


Editors' Note: Billy Clyde assembled the Harris County Senate delegation to prove that Senators are real people, too. They celebrate major holidays and some even have families. To help humanize these SuperTexans, Billy Clyde sat down with the delegation at a West University Place restaurant to discuss the delicate balancing act required to be a State Senator and a Christmas celebrator.

Billy Clyde: First, I want to thank you dawgs for joining me today. Let's talk about what Christmas means to each of you honest-to-God members of the Senate. Dean, would you care to go first?

Senator John Whitmire: No

BC: Okay then. Going down the seniority pecking order ... Senator Ellis.

Senator Rodney Ellis: Now I'm going to tell you a story. Not about me. I don't like to talk about myself.

Whitmire: Liar.

Ellis: (shakes head and fake smiles) Like I was about to share with you, my people are like everyone else. My people want the toys. For the children. They want the Nike shoes and the PlayStation 3 and the souped-up bicycle. They want the go-cart and the health insurance and the chance -- just the chance -- to receive the kind of education that my people want and deserve. They want the casinos and the access to adequate legal counsel and the ...

Whitmire: Are you bonkers?

BC: Let's move on. Senator Lindsay?

Senator Jon Lindsay: (cough cough) Uh, this is a fabulous idea to bring us together ...

Dan Patrick: Why is Johnny Appleseed the gentleman tree farmer here? Is this his last-minute attempt to raise property appraisals on the homes of hard-working angry white American patriots? Has he ever written a book about the Bible, whose central figure is Jesus Christ, whose birth we celebrate? Senate District 7 wants ME, not a career liberal Austin political insider ...

BC: Actually, Senator-elect. I invited you but couldn't get past your call screener. So for now let's hear from Mario.

Senator Mario Gallegos: Christmas is a special time in our family.

Whitmire: (snicker) Which family? (snicker)

Gallegos: (sigh) My mother, who was on the school board and has a campus named after her, made tamales for the whole neighborhood. She didn't sell the tamales at Christmastime, she gave ...

Patrick: Mexican!

BC: It's the Christmas season. Let's try to keep it civil. Mike?

Senator Mike Jackson: What was the question? I thought we were just grabbing lunch before our tee time.

Whitmire: My clubs are in the trunk. I'm in.

BC: It's 38 degrees outside. Do y'all really want to play golf?

Whitmire: I got 50 Rocket tickets for tonight. I could get more and give them to you ass clowns, but that ain't gonna happen. (snicker)

Gallegos: Ten of those are mine.

Whitmire: Bullshit. Get your own.

Jackson: I'll go to the game. Or play golf. I'm hungry.

Whitmire: I'm horny. I got a few extra girls at the house ... but you can't have them! (snicker)

BC: Uh, let's talk about what Christmas means to the Janek family.

Senator Kyle Janek: Christmas has changed a lot for me since I've become a father. Children are not permitted -- if you can believe this -- in the tanning salon or the day spa. So I bought a toy store and a doll store and a sporting goods warehouse for the kids so ...

Whitmire: Unfucking believable. I have a warehouse, too. Full of women waiting for me, and you want to play this family man routine on ...

Patrick: Family is the most sacred institution we have other than the Second Baptist Church. You people are consumed by earthly material selfish secular ....

Ellis: Dude, you're richer than I am. Cut out the crap so we can cut a deal and move on down the ...

Jackson: So who do I call to get tickets?

Senator Tommy Williams: You have Rockets tickets?

Whitmire: Who invited the Woodlands weenie. This is Harris County business.

Williams: I'm not a weenie. And I represent several MUDS in Harris County as well as ...

Jackson: So is everyone out on the golf deal?

Gallegos: This place is lame. Billy Clyde needs to take us to Rick's.

Ellis: I'll go.

Whitmire: Finally a decent-assed idea.

Jackson: Okay.

Janek: I have some patients who work there. Sure.

Lindsay: I'm married to Toni, so I'm definitely in.

Patrick: You Austin-centric self-centered narcissistic heathen ...

Williams: What's Rick's?

BC: This didn't work out exactly as I planned, but I appreciate your time. Think we can all fit in the Suburban?


lush said...

Hot damn. Here's hoping a lil' adoration goes a long way towards improving the author's attention span. I'd suggest Ritalin, but I'm afraid it would negatively affect the quality of the product.

Billy Clyde said...

Dear Lush:

Now see, I could take that to mean that to "negatively affect the quality of the product" means my posts are so poor now that the only way they could be worse is if they read something like this:

cvzxcvuyzokd kuknc.,,vnzixuyhvl zlvbzxk z. n;szodfhwrol.c ds.

Or I could take it as a compliment.

Winston Smith said...

I'd take it as a complement, but that's just the kind of guy I am. You're my new man crush.
/yes, I am a homophobe.

Billy Clyde said...

Dear Mr. Smith:

There is so much I have requested of Santa this year. A guy with a man-crush on me is NOT on the list.

lush said...

I assure you it was a compliment. As I'm quite bad at taking those myself, I won't hold your assumption that it could be anything else against you.