Tuesday, February 6, 2007


Took a well-deserved break from mindless glad-handing and chattering to watch our great Governor, Mr. Rick Perry, tell us about the State of Our State on the closed-circuit television network.

If you want to know about the substance of the speech ... well, there are plenty of places to go for that stuff. But if you want to know about the style aspect, then Billy Clyde is your Answer Man. Can't help but be impressed with how good Texas' Supreme Leader has gotten in the speechifying department. He's right up there with Big John Connally and Barak Obama.

The really earth-shattering deal is how well versed he is on pop culture and other modern, relevant entertainment sorta stuff. Now anyone can go out and get himself a fancy haircut and some rapper-style jogging suits and memorize a few little gestures picked up from hanging around some frat guys for a few minutes. And yes, he has all that stuff down pat.

But it's the hip references that he throws out there so effortlessly that really gets my goat. And has me wondering: Is Rick Perry cooler than Billy Clyde?

During the Inaugural Ball a few weeks ago, Perry made a reference to "Ricky Bobby." I later learned that this was a rhetorical allusion to a fictional race car driver in a recent feature film. RP: 1; BC: 0.

On the downside, he sang with Ted Nugent, a marginally talented '70s metal guitarist who specializes in songs about herpes. Not.That.Cool. Governor Perry had previously joined the stage with marginally talented actor Russell Crowe, whose band is indescribably awful. Billy Clyde would have known better -- on both counts.

Then today, he mentioned Festivus (I knew this one!) and talked at great length about his fascination with vaginas (me too!) but didn't utter a word about Lindsay Lohan or Brittany Spears or Paris Hilton and their vaginas. No way Billy Clyde would let that kind of low-hanging fruit stay on the tree.

(Don't even get me started about Perry's total obliviousness to Leah and Melissa's smash hit "My Box In A Box.")

Our Governor kept up his fixation on cancer. Guess when your prostate is scheduled to turn 57 years old this spring and you have the bully pulpit, it only makes sense to use that pulpit to your prostate's advantage. And to demonstrate his role as a Uniter Not Divider he remained silent on Texas A&M University's rather severe ass kicking of the Longhorn's last night. Class move, Gov. Gracias.

You know the really sad part? Why should Billy Clyde be concerned about his coolness vis-a-vis Rick Perry, of all people. It's not like climbing Mount Everest or landing on Mars. We're talking about clearing a kiddie hurdle.

UPDATE: Shouldn't have mentioned Mars. Yes, I heard all about the girl astronaut in Houston who put on diapers and drove all night to Florida to murder another girl astronaut who was part of her NASA love triangle. And no, for national security reasons (do you want the cosmonauts to win?!) I cannot comment. Except to say this: When it comes to steamy three-ways, astronaut three-ways are the BEST.


Miss M said...

"Box in a Box" trumps seventeen hip cultural references. Rest easy, Mister.

Anonymous said...

By mentioning Fonzie, were you by any means alluding to Perry "jumping the shark?" If so, at which point did he do that... when he quoted Wimpy or when he mentioned Festivus?

Billy Clyde said...

Dear Miss M:

Came looking for you today in your branch office. Thanks for stroking my delicate ego.

Dear Anon:

Jumping the shark is a metaphor for "turn out the lights, the party's over." Although Fonzie deservedly gets credit for the term when he, literally, slalomed over the shark in the hit family sit-com Happy Days show.

Rick Perry, on the other hand, has another good thirty years in him as
Governor, Vice President and UN Secretary-General.

Take THAT, France.

texxasredd said...

In 30 years, Perry will look even more like a shar pei than he does now....

Miss M said...

You came to Nordstrom?