Tuesday, December 26, 2006

WHEN JACK LEMMON AND JAMES GARNER AIN'T AVAILABLE

If you are an American- or Spanish-speaking Christian like me, you spent the afternoon in the kitchen preparing chili for tonight's dining pleasure. It is, after all, the day after Christmas.

The best part of this tradition is that you can go into the kitchen, by yourself, and piddle for a REALLY long period of time. If someone tries to talk to you, you can give that rude sub-human an exasperated look and say, "I'm trying to cook!" The person on the receiving end will assume that chili preparation is similar to a surgeon separating co-joined twins in an elaborate 30-hour procedure and, if that person has any sense, will exit the room at once, never to enter again.

My favorite part is the chopping. I found myself engaging in totally unnecessary chopping because, let's face it, chopping stuff up is not only fun but good for you. For example, there is no good reason your chili needs a red bell pepper. It don't hurt nothing. It's just superfluous. Habernero peppers are essential; Anaheim peppers are just something you add because it's a decent excuse to chop some stuff.

Anyway, 5:00 p.m. Central Time arrived and the chili came to a boil. I covered the pot, lowered the heat to simmer, and realized that I had no further excuse for not entering the living room. So I joined my guest and turned on the teevee for the news -- Special Report with Brit Hume. Some libs don't like anything on Fox News, but this show is really good. It steals the best ideas from the traditional network news, the McNeil-Lehrer Hour and Comedy Central. Informative yet funny. Just what I, as a news consumer, want.

Anyway, this being December 26 (the day the Three Wise Men cooked chili for the Virgin Mary; aka Boxing Day in the UK) it was a slow news day. So SRw/BH (not to be confused with DMw/P) ran yet another piece on the next presidential election. Put me in the camp that believes that this stuff starts WAY too early. Just six months ago, the frontrunners were Kinky Friedman and George Allen -- and you see how the MSM built them up just to tear them to shreds.

But the high-quality and well-mannered persons who frequent this site long for Billy Clyde's unique perspective on the 2008 presidential race. Remember, the Constitution prohibits George W. Bush from running and winning again (which he would) because Franklin D. Roosevelt screwed it up for his successors. Something about being crippled and trying to pack the court or something. You can look it up if you give a rat's ass.

Anyway, I should refrain from stating a preference. But I know the pet-loving kind souls who use Billy Clyde's site as their opening page would simply not tolerate it. So, without further ado ...

Billy Clyde, at least for now, endorses New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson and outgoing Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. I've met Richardson, and he seems pretty damn hip. I haven't met Huckabee, but I watched him on Imus in the Morning and was impressed.

Of course, the real reason these are my guys is because one is from New Mexico and the other is from Arkansas. Both states touch Texas. So if we can't have a Texan leading the ticket, the next best thing is a neighbor of Texas on the ticket. It's really a no-brainer.

In case you're wondering if there were other factors in play as I pondered this crucial decision, the answer is a resounding "NO." But now that I have narrowed my choices to my two near-Texan homeboys, I feel compelled to trash the shit out of the others in the field. It's the American Way.

Hillary Clinton is NOT former President Bill Clinton (another neighbor of Texas). Don't be confused by the similar names. Bill made being a poon hound a perfectly acceptable -- even laudable -- character trait in the Leader of the Free World. Much like John F. Kennedy made Catholicism okay, and Ronald Reagan made divorce cool, Clinton opened the doors for serious skirt chasers from sea to shining sea. Hillary, on the other hand, is a bitch.

Rudolph Giuliana. He used to be the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York. He tarnished that office by misusing the Racketeer and Corrupt Influence Organizations Act (RICO) and that is NOT the kind of guy we're looking for in a leader.

(editors note: Three things REALLY set Billy Clyde off, and not in a good way: 1) RICO, which was written by Pol Pot, Fidel Castro and Idi Amin; (2) non-consensual municipal annexations; and (3) government takings. The rest of the shit he doesn't care about.)

Barak Hussein Obama. He will be forced out early. The Constitution requires you to be natural born and at least 35 years of age. Obama fails on both counts.

Mitt Romney. Besides the fact that "Mitt" is only barely more acceptable as a first name than "Barak," the dude lives in Massachusetts -- by choice. Automatic disqualification. Being a Mormon is cool by me, and I agree with him on most of the issues. But the fact remains: he's from Massachusetts.

John Edwards. This former North Carolina Senator wants to wage a Second Civil War and create Two Americas. That seems like a non-starter to me.

John McCain. I actually was the only guy in Austin who had a John McCain bumper sticker on my truck in 2000. I was ticked off at Governor Bush for vetoing six (SIX!!!) bills I had worked on really hard. But I was never really for McCain then, and nothing has changed. Plus he's crazy.
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While I would prefer to support a candidate (Condi Rice, Fred Dalton Thompson, Sam Nunn, where are you folks??) for whom I had true admiration, someone who inspires the best of Billy Clyde and makes me sing "America The Beautiful" for no good reason ... this is it. I'm supporting the candidate who lives closest to me, because I am a flaming regionalist. So sue me. But not under RICO.

1 comment:

Winston Smith said...

please excuse this one minor correction. John F. Kennedy made Catholicism *and* being a poon hound OK. Bill Clinton inexplicably found a way to make skirt chasing a liability.