PLEASE PRESS ONE FOR ENGLISH; PLEASE TWO FOR SPANISH; PLEASE PRESS THREE TO BITCH-SLAP TOM TANCREDO

Man, Billy Clyde really hopes he dozed off and dreamt most of this stuff.

If not, I’m gonna run a Google search (gratuitous tech wizard reference) to find the nearest Army Recruiting Center and volunteer right this very minute. I’ve even packed BC’s favorite GI Joe sleeping bag in case the joint is closed so he can be first in line tomorrow when it opens.

See, I had the DVR machine (hip tech reference #2) tape these presidential debates on the Wolf Blitzer Show and just now watched ‘em ... and they scare me. Real bad.

If this is the best the good ‘ol USofA has to offer, Tom Tancredo can have his stinking country. Billy Clyde’s going to Mesopotamia, where life is sweet.

BC’s original plan was to not give a rat’s behind about the presidential race for another 12 years, when the Bush Twins become eligible to run, win, and lead. You know, when people finally have a candidate (or a ticket, perhaps?) that fills us as a nation with hope, imagination, and a common sense of national pride.

You didn’t hear this from me ... but word on the street is The Twins are already perfecting a new combination dance/drinking game called “Push The Button.” They’ve been practicing, on a purely minor, experimental basis, out in Area 52. The pyrotechnics, according to Jenna, “sorta looks like those clouds they made in that old timey war granddad went to, but tons bigger and in color.”

Unfortunately, Billy Clyde will miss the fun. He’s throwing himself on the first improvised exploding device before he even checks into the Iraqi Army hotel. Or maybe it’s more like a hut or hooch or barrack or canopy or pup tent. Anyway, guess that’s the fun part of traveling and seeing new places. BC doesn’t like to brag ... but continual, lifelong learning is what keeps this brain razor sharp.

Let’s get back to these debates, if it’s okay with you soon-to-be-deported fellow Americans.

QUICK SUMMARY OF DEMOCRATIC DEBATES

GEORGE McGOVERN LIVES! (BUT IN A BIG-SPENDING ULTRA-PACIFIST WAY)
OUTLAW CARS AND ELECTRICITY!
REFORM HEALTHCARE! KILL ALL DOCTORS AND BABIES!

QUICK SUMMARY OF REPUBLICAN DEBATE

GO HOME, MEXICANS!
AND TAKE THE ENGLISH, SCOTS, IRISH, SPANIARDS, WEST AFRICANS, GERMANS, POLES, AND AUSTRIA-HUNGARIANS WITH YOU!
JESUS IS MY RUNNING MATE! (BECAUSE HE ONLY SPEAKS ENGLISH)


Billy Clyde follows this stuff super-crazy close. If you can’t keep up with all the jargon and insider baseball (BALL FOUR!) scholarly analysis, please don’t feel like you’ve come down with a nasty strain of TB and get on a plane. Your friend and buddy will walk you through it, candidate by candidate.

Ds

Hillary Clinton: If you don’t know who she is, you have typed in an incorrect World Wide Web computer Internet Protocol unique number (smug super-duper tech reference #3).
PLUS: Tied for fourth (with Huckabee) for best hair.
ANTI: Can’t win; people don’t like her; Chelsea – or Amy Carter – more electable.

Barack Obama: The giant crowds and enthusiast support he generated early on by this State (maybe U.S.?) Senator have dissipated now that people know that Barack and Borat are totally different people.
PRO: Great speaker, youthful good looks, upbeat message appeals to the large segment of Americans looking for new style of leadership in Washington.
CON: Frontrunner. Still not Borat.

John “John” Edwards: After six years serving in the Senate as a Southern moderate with impressive foreign affairs ideas and even running four years ago on the national ticket, he’s suddenly let a bunch of hacks remake him into some me-too soulless peacenik.
PRO: Tied for first (with Romney) for best hair; unbelievably monstrous home in the woods.
CON: Thinks North America and South America are “two countries.” Rural roots, but not a real Walton family member.

The Field: Richardson just in it for the political groupie tail; Biden has hair plugs; Dodd is shorter than Gary Coleman; Kucinich wants to return to his home planet; and Mike Gravel is almost out of miles and down to his last three round-trip tickets to Alaska

Rs

Rudolph Giuliani: The People’s Mayor was Mr 9/11. But he’s also been Miss 9/11. Americans haven’t voted for a President whose name ends in a vowel in its history (no, I didn’t look it up). McKinley and Kennedy’s name ends in “y” – not a legitimate part of the vowel family.
PRO: Will say what he thinks and sounds good and all take-charge authoritative-like when he says it. Frontrunner.
CON: Comes from the New York wing of the GOP that used to blast TDR and Nelson Rockefeller and other crazy right-wingers who couldn’t get elected dogcatcher in Texas when the state was all D.

Mitt “Mitt” Romney: On paper, he should have been the perfect candidate – brilliant resume, great speaker, smart, rich, Olympic savior with great hair. But apparently he uses the same political consultants as John Edwards. Dude, you don’t have to sprint to the right; your competition if Rudy Giuliani!
PRO: Political dynastic credentials of Hillary; fresh face appeal of Obama; (used to) lack the inherent controversy of Giuliani; not a flaky geezer like McCain.
CON: Seems like Mormons cannot physically feel pain from daily self-inflicted wounds.

John McCain: He’s a bona fide war hero and skilled pure legislator who will speak the unvarnished truth roughly 85 percent of the time. But America is kinda tired of his unvarnished truth. When Paris Hilton says “you’re overexposed” and “wearing thin” ...
PRO: Probably would do a pretty good job and would try real hard.
CON: Uh, sir? That’s your cue. Exit stage right. No! Your other right!

The Field: Huckabee has the Hope, Arkansas problem; Jim “Gary” Gilmore can’t make people believe he’s held a bunch of top political jobs for 20 years; Thompson spent 30 years declaring for President and he’s too late; Tancredo actually forcibly said (not a joke) that the USA is most definitely not a nation of immigrants; Hunter is just running to delay his entry into prison.

Ron Paul bothers Billy Clyde the most – because BC STILL can’t get that awful 1984 U.S. Senate radio ad out of his head (Ron Paul Best Of All Ron Paul Best Of All Ron Paul Best Of All Ron Paul Best Of All). UGGGHH! STOP!

If that ad infects your mind the way it has mine – well, by all means join me on my little trip. My sources say the government picks up the whole tab. And you will be a long, long way from Tom Tancredo.