Monday, May 28, 2007

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T LEAVE?

Like most warm-blooded patriotic Texans with an interest in state government, your man on the scene Billy Clyde has been stalking the doors of the Legislative Reference Library hoping that someone will come to work and GIVE ME A DAMN COPY OF YESTERDAY’S HOUSE JOURNAL.

Sorry for yelling. That was rude. My bad.

I did get a glimpse of the draft journal this morning when I went by to say howdy to the House’s newest parliamentary staff – the Honorable Jerry Yost and the Honorable Drew Nixon. This new high-powered team took over from Spiro Agnew – who turns out to be dead – and Mike Martin, who suffered yet another self-inflicted gunshot wound and is temporarily unavailable.

The following passage intrigued me:

Mr. Dunnam of McClennan: Mr. Speaker?

Mr. Turner of Harris (not Bob Turner from Voss), in the chair: For what purpose?

Mr. Dunnan: Parliamentary inquiry.

Mr. Turner: You’re not recognized. In fact, I can’t even see you. There’s just a giant vacantness in the area from which you supposedly speak, if in fact you exist. Is someone playing a boom box down at the back mic?

Mr. Dunnam: That isn’t funny. We’re talking about democracy here. About the ability of our constituents to have a voice in the government.

Mr. Turner: Will the Sergeants please turn off the boom box.”

Then that guy who took Arvis Jones’ seat – Haggerty, I think – sought recognition, according to the journal.

Mr. Haggerty of El Paso: Mr. Speaker.

Mr. Gattis, in the chair: For what purpose, Mr. Haggerty. And don’t think for a minute that this constitutes recognition.

Mr. Haggerty: I can name all 150 House members. Want to hear me do it?”

Mr. Gattis: Sit down right this very minute, Mr. Haggerty, or my old boss, John Bradley, will throw you in our secret Williamson County Tuff On Crime Jail and have mentally ill sadistic inmates gang rape you for the rest of your soon-to-be-short life.”


Mr. Haggerty: What?

Mr. Gattis: You are NOT recognized for a question!”

Then Representative Eiland tried to tear into the new Parliamentarians, Mr. Yost and Mr. Nixon, by bringing up totally unfounded ethics complaints.

Mr. Eiland: Mr. Speaker.

Mr. Geiswiedt in the chair: For what purpose?

Mr. Eiland: I object to the two new parliamentarians. They both have outstanding Ethics Commission fines. Mr. Yost owes $100 from his ill-advised race against Senator Ratliff,. Mr. Nixon owes $200 for using his Officeholder Account to secure prostitutes on South Congress.

Mr. Geiswiedt: The jury has reached a verdict. You die!

After a long conference down front, Governor Perry pardons Representative Eiland, sparing his life and allowing House proceedings to continue. Mr. Yost and Mr. Nixon are dumped and suddenly replaced by former Representatives Sam Hudson and Keith Valuigera.

In a strange turn of events, no one agrees to take the chair so Jim Dunnan’s eight-year-old daughter – who’s up there anyway and doesn’t have much to do – takes the gavel. She turns out to be the best House Speaker since Jimmy Turman in 1961.

The budget bill and the water bill and the electric bill all pass unanimously. Tommy Merritt is elected Governor For a Day. Leo Berman adopts a truckload of Mexican immigrants, then resigns to take the ACLU job. Linda Harper-Brown struts across the House floor in a string bikini and looks good. Lon Burnam declares the Bill Of Rights a “liberal piece of Communist shit.” Dick Weekly denounces tort reform and leads a march over to the TTLA building for a fajita party.

It’s in the journal.

12 comments:

Stella said...

What time were you trying to get into the LRL, exactly?

Anonymous said...

Dang it, BC, you had me going until that part about the Guv pardoning someone on death row. Like THAT would ever happen.

Anonymous said...

Surely you jest.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to include the part where Delwin Jones said he had pooped his pants and asked if the House parliamentarian would wait to rule on his point of order for an hour so he could take the elevator upstairs and have Barbara change him.

lush said...

BC--

I just wanted to say that I have thoroughly enjoyed your blog. You are without a doubt one of the funniest folks around. Your insight has been beyond fascinating to an amateur like myself. You're just one hell of a storyteller, Sir.

Skippy said...

BC--

I am 99% sure that I speak for the majority, moral and otherwise, when I say that we're going to need you to go ahead and stick around for a few more sessions. Your humor keeps things light, something we all need a little more of.

Billy Clyde said...

Receiving a compliment from Lush is better than winning an Oscar and Pulitzer on the same day.

Thanks

Anonymous said...

Did you read the appendix...Big Daddy and Bob Kelly said that Craddick was right in all his rulings. Charlie Evans struck everything below the enacting clause and offered a complete floor substitute and then amended the caption to conform with the body of the bill...so the water bill now gives Evans Gas and Drilling total rights to the Barlett Shale ....he is about to sell them to a spanish company that use to build toll roads.

lush said...

Aw. Pshaw, BC.

Anonymous said...

as one of your stalkers, BC, i need you and your commentary to make my life interesting.

skippy is right; you need to stick around for a few more sessions.

who am i going to stalk if you are not around?!

Don't Mess w/ Pink said...

Oh. My. God. I just read this and died. You really are funny as shi*t, my dear. (My highest compliment.)

Mandy said...

Well written article.