Friday, February 16, 2007


I can't say for certain what's going down with our fearless leader. But it's definitely perplexing.

Billy Clyde pulls for Governor Rick Perry. I live in the state and want him to succeed and like him. But he sure knows how to make it hard on his fans. So as I sit in my luxurious hotel room wearing my complimentary robe (that I WILL be stealing) I offer, with all due respect, a couple pieces of advice. Which, if Perry is smart, he should probably ignore.

First, when someone comes to you with what, on first blush, seems like a good idea, you should give it some thought before committing whole hog. If it's a brilliant idea on Monday morning, then it will be brilliant on Wednesday afternoon. Pace yourself.

In fact, think about knocking off early a few days a week. Got to The Mansion, get a big glass of iced tea and some chips and salsa, and sit out in the side yard and admire your well-manicured lawn. Which you don't have to mow. Life is sweet; enjoy it.

Also, there is not a sporting event, concert, movie or other entertainment opportunity that, as Governor, you cannot attend. The tickets will probably be free. So go. Get it while the getting's good.

And, for the love of mankind, lay off anything that is remotely sexual. Remember when you came out for a stripper tax -- the so-called Tits For Tots deal? And remember how talk radio and citizens in general ridiculed the idea, mainly because nudie joints, unlike water or transportation or tax policy, are something average Texans actually understand?

Remember how our citizens don't really focus on the budget surplus or the low unemployment rate or the strong housing market, but know ALL about your plan to give hoo-ha shots to all the little girls? Yeah? Okay, then stop doing that stuff. Really.

On a somewhat related note ... I'm with you big time on your plan to cure cancer. That seems to be a winner. But for some reason you felt the need to take it a step further and give a speech yesterday about your prostate. There's ample evidence supporting the benefits of "quitting while you're ahead." Try it.

Finally, you deserve credit for amassing more executive branch power than any Governor in history. But you can't go around appropriating money on a lark. Especially when the Legislature is in session. Trying that deal during the summer or fall would be edgy. Trying it when House and Senate members are RIGHT HERE is, to be kind, an unwise strategy.

Feel free to give me a holler over the weekend or next week if you want to flesh this out. I may not be from the government, but I am here to help.

UPDATE 1: I went over the Saturday and Sunday clips and was shocked to see that 13 out of 30 stories -- that's exactly half for those who are mathematically challenged -- were about hooking up. So maybe Perry can see into the future and actually invented sex. The gubernatorial equivalent of Ben Franklin (kite flying, Almanacs and bifocals), Alexander Graham Bell (who has dropped the "Bell" to avoid any chance of being confused with Chris Bell; now goes by AT&T) and George Washington Carver (the peanut).

But even if the Governor is spot on about Texans' myopic preoccupation with nekkid lusty fun, his overall health program could use some fine tuning.

For example, the hot new pharmaceutical isn't the stuff that turns our elementary girls into syphilis-infected nymphos. Nope.

It's this new medicine that alleviates all symptoms of Restless Leg Syndrome. Read the tiny tiny print on the back of Time Magazine ads for this drug, and the careful consumer will learn that there are only two reported cases (Don Knotts and Gilligan) of this syndrome in U.S. history.

Why not take some of this valuable research and development money and create a Restless Penis Syndrome vaccination for all these 11-year-old Lotharios who are turning 10-year-old girls into pigtailed gonorrhea factories? You know the old saying: it takes a minimum of two -- preferably many more -- to tango.

Sure fire way to win that Nobel Prize for Medicine that you've always wanted: Find a cure for Restless Legislator Syndrome. It's a debilitating scourge that apparently is highly contagious and is spreading like wildfire this season.

Voters would unanimously agree to sell the Lottery to fast-track (like by Monday) that vaccine to market.


lush said...

I respectfully disagree, BC. I think the Gov should see how many more times he can get a mention on The Colbert Report this term. It's early, he's already got their attention. If he keeps up the sexual content, it could become a regular segment.

Gritsforbreakfast said...

BC, you give excellent advice, if a bit on the traditional side, but lush has a good point operating on the "no such thing as bad publicity" theory.

It's not like all the I-wanna-be-Veep trial balloons got any attention outside Texas (except for the Ted Nugent flag deal, which is nearly in the Tits for Tots category). With nearly four months to go and the vetoes, I bet he could make Colbert 3 or 4 more times this Spring, by which time he could be a household name. Like Dan Quayle.

Ida said...

Leave it to Warren Chisum to drain off the governor's media thunder. But Texas oh Texas, in the New York Times twice! We love our leaders.

Billy Clyde said...

Dear Lushy:

Colbert Report is WAY more interesting than that KLRU stuff. Excellent point.

Dear Grits:

Rick Perry = Awful Golfer
Dan Quayle = 4 Handicapper
So another fine comment (though not quite Lush caliber, which is a 30.06.

Dear Ida:

What the hell is the New York Times? Is that like the Round Rock Leader For Dummies?

lush said...

You flatter me, BC. I'm afraid you might have me confused with her hotness--DMW/P. Truth be told, I've always been more of a .410 snake charmer gal.

Winston Smith said...

Dammit BC, now I've got a nose full of milk and spray drops all over my monitor.