BLACK LIKE ME

Billy Clyde is a man who doesn't just promise stuff. He delivers. Usually.

And like I told you a week or so ago, The Honorable Joe Deshotel will be this site’s featured attraction throughout February. Which is Black History Month. And Joe is black. Or at least claims to be black.

This is Billy Clyde’s Political Hot Tub Party’s exclusive interview with the Chairman of the House Committee on Economic Development:

BC: I feel like Bob Woodward, getting inside information from a real-life high-ranking government official. Why have you agreed to spill your guts to Billy Clyde?

Chairman Joe Deshotel: Poor judgment on my part. Now what do you want to ask me?

BC: Thanks. What does Black History Month mean to you?

JD: It’s an opportunity to review the many contributions that African Americans have made to this nation. Despite arriving in this country as second class citizens – mere property, really – blacks have reached the top ranks in the business, education, medical and entertainment industries. A true American success story.

BC: You’re being modest. Blacks also dominate sports.

JD: There are many African-American athletes who have excelled in their chosen sport and in turn given a lot back to their respective communities.

BC: You bet. They also seem to score a lot of white women.

JD: Not sure about that.

BC: Trust me. Not that I’m that huge on white women. They tend to be bitches whose thighs get chunky.

JD: No comment.

BC: Bet white women hit on you all the time.

JD: I’m a happily married family man who runs a business, practices law, serves in the Legislature and is active in community and church endeavors.

BC: That’s impressive. You probably got white, black, Hispanic and Asian girls all over you.

JD: No.

BC: But what about Jewish chicks? That’s a tough nut to crack, don’t you think?

JD: Ask me something about public policy, or this interview is over.

BC: Sorry. I got sidetracked. What does being black in America mean today?

JD: I certainly cannot speak for the entire race. But in my opinion, there’s a responsibility to give back to the community. Many of us had limited opportunities. You have to use the opportunities you do have, do your best and be a role model. And give back. Make a difference.

BC: That’s inspiring. How come Barak Obama gets to be the first black president before I do?

JD: Well, I have yet to express a presidential preference. Also, you’re not a U.S. Senator from a large state, nor are you black.

BC: Horse hockey! I may not be a U.S. Senator, but I am DEFINITELY black.

JD: I don’t know about your background, but let’s say you don’t really look African American to the naked eye. You also seem to be woefully unqualified to be president.

BC: I’ll buy the unqualified deal. But I am very very black.

JD: Okay. Do you have another question?

BC: Sure, Mr. Chairman. Do you think it’s fair that they guy who invented the peanut didn’t get to be President but some goober – excuse the pun – peanut farmer got to live in the White House?

JD: I think you’re talking about George Washington Carver, one of the greatest American inventors, who, for some reason, you white people think invented the peanut. What’s up with that?

BC: Didn’t he?

JD: No.

BC: My bad. But please stop calling me “white.” It’s an insult. Anyway, what special stuff are you going to do for Black History Month at the Capitol?

JD: I have several groups of school children who will coming to Austin, touring our Capitol, learning about the legislative process and hearing from a number of my colleagues in the Legislature. This is in conjunction with Black History Month, and I hope it provides a perspective of what young people – young people of all races – can aspire to, and how they can make a difference in their community and their world.

BC: I’m sorry. Wasn’t listening at all. Can you repeat that?

JD: No. Don’t you have some place to be?

BC: Nope. Spare time is my friend. But let me ask you this, if I may. Besides spearheading the House’s economic development programs, working on long-term strategies to address the state’s transportation needs, playing a key role in setting the leadership’s agenda, and serving as a negotiator with the Senate, what are you gonna do this session?

JD: Avoiding you would appear to be a high priority. No offense.

BC: None taken. But I do like hanging out in your office and watching the closed circuit teevee. Your staff is great. But you don’t have any Jewish chicks. Can we return to that topic?

JD: Bye.