SPANKING WASHINGTON

What we need is more good news.

A few suggestions, if I may:

(1) a crawler on the bottom of the teevee news that shows the number of consecutive days WITHOUT a deadly commercial airline crash at the local airport;

(2) more stories about how an incumbent House Texas House Speaker has NOT faced a head-to-head opening day challenge in nearly a century;

(3) profiles of our fine public school teachers who DON'T have steamy illicit sexual affairs with their students (real newshounds could find these people);

(4) in-depth medical coverage that reminds readers, viewers and listeners that NO ONE in real life gets Lyme Disease (except Chris Harris) or Avian Flu; and

(5) touching features about pets that are adopted into loving homes and AREN'T euthanized. Which brings Billy Clyde to his point of the day.

The media jackals are so consumed by sensational negativity that they are willing to ruin what should be a pleasant, relaxing morning here at Casa BC. Et tu, Peggy Fikac?!

Read it and weep.
http://blogs.chron.com/texaspolitics/archives/2007/01/kinky_for_senat.html

Seems like some ne'er-do-well (Don Evans? David Dewhurst? Dan Patrick? Chris Bell, or whatever that guy from Houston's name is?) has launched a preemptive political strike on Texas' Favorite Son and Animal Rescuer, Mr. Kinky Friedman. I pray to Elvis, Jesus and Coca-Cola that he doesn't fall prey to this manipulative trickery -- which unfortunately often works quite well.

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It works like this: Candidate A (let's call her Carol Keeton Bill White Rylander Roger Williams Strayhorn) wants to start laying the groundwork to run for a Very Important Office. Candidate A is just delusional enough to think she can pull it off, but for one giant obstacle that simply cannot be overcome: Candidate Kinkster.

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So Candidate A has her dirty tricks team spread a rumor that Candidate Kinkster, who everyone just assumes will be moving into the Governor's Mansion in slightly less than four years, has his eyes set on some other office. One that on paper might seem attractive, but actually ain't worth a warm pitcher of urine. In fact, it's totally made up.

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And then the forces of evil sit back and hope he takes the bait, because otherwise Candidate A's got as much chance of becoming governor as a grackle has of surviving 40-degree weather on Congress Avenue.

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Not gonna work, if you ask me. Kinky is very, very smart (Plan II) and regularly solves these sorts of intricate mysteries in the morning before the so-called professionals (like Rockford and Ramban) have finished their banana and blueberry pancakes.

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Billy Clyde recovered (remarkably swiftly) from the well-documented yet damn-near-impossible-to-prove massive vote fraud that almost certainly cheated Kinky out of the governorship. If you LYST as much as BCLHSKFFG, you simply won't permit a re-run of November's tragedy. So I'm positive that this, too, shall pass.

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The Kinkster has unshackled his political soul from those out-of-state advisers and assembled a savvy team (Laura) that knows there is no such position as "U.S" Senator. There are just 31 regular Senators, plus the Lieutenant Governor can pretend to be a Senator when that chamber meets as the Committee of the Whole.

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Here's the way the scam works in the real world:

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A fellow with a perfectly bright political future gets talked into running for this U.S. Senator thing that he has heard is so great. The other 99 "Senators," who have been fooled by this exact same practical joke by crafty gubernatorial candidates in their home states, go to the airport and hide behind Baggage Carousal 3. When you retrieve your luggage and look around for your new "chief of staff," the other 99 jump out and yell, "You've Been Pranked By Senators Behaving Badly!"

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Everyone has a big belly laugh and goes to the movies. After about a week, you've seen all the movies, so you start having lots of fundraisers. Breakfast, lunch, golf tournaments, cocktail receptions, dinners, all-night raves -- you'll be at all of them. On Fridays, you fly home and travel around the state and give Serious Speeches and listen to Voter Concerns at Town Hall Meetings.

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Then you head back to Washington on Monday for another grueling week of eating, playing golf and attending raves. After doing this for about five years, you have developed a bulging waistline, a very low handicap and a little black book full of cell phone numbers of slutty Washington-area 23-year-old punk rock chicks. You also have $7.3 million in the bank.

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So it's back to Texas for a few months to purchase some clever TV ads, in which you will appear with your gut sucked in as well as with your wife, as opposed to the slut punk chicks you usually hang with.

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You win, natch, and it's back to Washington to get sworn in, which is code for hiding at Reagan National or BWI and yelling, "You've Been Pranked" to the new crop of would-be-governors who got talked into running for this fake U.S. Senate job.

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Hold on a second. Let me think about this. Since I want a Kinky Jewish Cowboy Governor, maybe we shouldn't tell him what the real deal is. The Kinkster probably would ENJOY getting pranked. Particularly by those rave babes.