Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I'M MAKING A LIST, CHECKING IT TWICE ...

You gotta give the people what they want.
___
I had reserved this bandwidth Internet blog space for an in-depth analysis of President Bush's State of the Union Speech. But all my readers care about are House committee assignments.
___
So, despite Billy Clyde's better judgment, he will preemptively announce the new House committee assignments, which I can tell you, with 100-percent absolute certitude, will come out tomorrow (or maybe next Thursday).

AGRICULTURE AND LIVESTOCK
Dudley Harrison
The rural and recently departed members have been under-represented for years
Winners: Sheep
Losers: People who need a new tractor or Chevy in the greater Sanderson area

APPROPRIATIONS
Foster Whaley
It's about time someone from Pampa ran the spending panel
Winners: Stock knives
Losers: Gonads

BORDER AND INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
The Honorable Tony Parra
El Paso deserves this fine committee
Winners: Cross-toting convicted AIDS victims
Losers: Gilbert Serna fans

BUSINESS AND INDUSTRY
Helen Giddings
She ain't done nothing wrong
Winners: CVS hair product section
Losers: Bill Hammond

CALENDARS
Nancy Fisher
No need to go through the motions, let's roll!
Winners: Allan Ritter
Losers: Most everyone, including Allan Ritter

CIVIL PRACTICES
Patrick Rose
It's about time, dammit!
Winners: People of of the great state of Texas
Losers: Not a damn soul

CORRECTIONS
Jerry Madden
Someone slipped this guy a statesman pill
Winners: Nerds
Losers: Cool people

CRIMINAL JURISPRUDENCE
Aaron Pena
He'll be sorry he asked for this chairmanship
Winners: Bloggers
Losers: His more-tenured unsophisticated colleagues who still don't get it


CULTURAL, RECREATION AND TOURISM
H. Ray Hildebran
He wants it, and you don't care
WINNERS: Oshman's
LOSERS: Tipton Ross (still)

DEFENSE AFFAIRS AND STATE-FEDERAL RELATIONS
Donald Rumsfield
Corte is a mere colonel
Winners: Freedom
Losers: Cut-and-run weenies

ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT
Lois Kolkhorst
Former Chamber exec just oozes new jobs
Winners: Blue Bell
Losers: Dumbass Grimes County water district opponents

ELECTIONS
Jim Dunnam (just kidding)
Dwayne Bohac
Will keep him from interfering with important stuff
Winners: Hair gel lobby
Losers: Mary Denny (she forgot to file)

ENERGY RESOURCES
Fred Brown
No real reason; a "why not?" deal
Winners: Renewable resources for tanning booths
Losers: Steve Ogden (take THAT!)

ENVIRONMENTAL RESOURCES
Dennis "The Menace" Bonnen
Somehow he hasn't messed this thing up
Winners: Dow
Losers: Hair plug lobby

FINANCIAL INSTITUIONS
Kenny Marchant
Realized he had good deal in '90s
Winners: Credit unions
Losers: Burt Solomons (new touchy-feely Craddick has to bust one of his own)

GENERAL INVESTIGATING AND ETHICS
Joe Deshotel
Beaumont and ethics go together like mustard and peanut butter
Winners: Kevin Bailey (free at last!)
Losers: Mark Stiles

GOVERNMENT REFORM
Tracy King
Chairman's per diem without the pesky meetings
Winners: Tracy King
Losers: Out-of-state hearing aid interlopers

HIGHER EDUCATION
Wilhelmina Delco
Geanie Morrison decided to play bridge w/Anna Mowery, et al (see below)
Winners: Huston-Tilston
Losers: Higher ed lobby

HOUSE ADMINISTRATION
Dawnna Dukes
Will institute strict, yet very stylish, new dress code (sorry, Tuffy)
Winners: Neiman Marcus; tasteful furniture retailers
Losers: Central Austin hippie crybabies

HUMAN SERVICES
John Davis
Understands fundamental truth that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile
Winners: Humanity
Losers: Welfare queens

INSURANCE
John Smithee
Unless John Gavin comes back, it's his for life
Winners: Really nobody
Losers: Really nobody

JUDICIARY
Will "The Man of Steel" Hartnett
Could have Civil Practices, but he likes judges
Winners: Probate lawyers
Losers: People who have to pay $6,000 in junk fees to file a civil claim worth 80 bucks

JUVENILE JUSTICE AND FAMILY ISSUES
Harold V. Dutton, Jr.
Would rather just bitch than chair this committee again
Winners: A lobbyist who can figure out how to get a bill referred to his committee
Losers: Poor clerk who has to write the bill analyses

LAND AND RESOURCES MANAGEMENT
Pat Haggerty
Anna Mowery chairmanship cut into bridge/wine time; still can't find Carolyn Park's office
Winner: People who need a bill reported from LRM
Losers: People who declared victory and gave up on this committee in 2003

LAW ENFORCEMENT
Joe Driver
He actually wants it, and is pretty good at it
Winners: Concealed handgun permit owners
Losers: Folks shot by concealed handguns

LICENSING AND ADMINISTRATIVE PROCEDURES
Kino Flores
Here's a chairman with real power who is feeling his oats
Winners: Tom Spillman, natch
Losers: A day-to-day thing

LOCAL AND CONSENT
Myra Crownover
Genuinely nice person gets year's biggest plum
Winners: Polite people
Losers: Folks who yearn for Yvonne Davis

LOCAL GOVERNMENT WAY AND MEANS
Dan Patrick
Traded his Senate assignments for House position
Winners: The REAL Ways and Means Committee, which gets appraisal bills
Losers: Fred Hill, who has no desk on Senate floor

NATURAL RESOURCES
Robert Puente
Willing-buyer/willing-seller concept confusing, but Bobby Bridge pulls through
Winners: Lobbyists with multi-year contact for interbasin transfers
Losers: Environmentalist who like to yack

PENSIONS AND INVESTMENTS
Dan Gattis/Dan Flynn (to be determined by arm-wrestling competition)
Gattis loses on purpose, sets sites on taking that Patrick Rose guy OUT
Winners: Outside investment consultants
Losers: People who like actuarially sound pension systems

PUBLIC EDUCATION
Rob Eissler
Drew the black bean; soon to find out black beans suck
Winners: Fans of comedy
Losers: Fans of good comedy

PUBLIC HEALTH
Tom Craddick
He's chaired it before and wants another crack; has the time to spare
Winners: Doctors
Losers: Garnet Coleman

REDISTRICTING
Joe Crabb
This committee will not meet this biennium
Winners: n/a
Losers: n/a

REGULATED INDUSTRIES
Roger Williams
Traded fully loaded 2006 extended cab with mag wheels for Phil King's chairmanship
Winners: People who like to "Save Save Save!"
Losers: Dumbasses who go to other dealerships

RULES AND RESOLUTIONS
Tony Goolsby
Has gavel, will travel
Winners: House members with a resolutions they'd like adopted
Losers: People who don't like resolutions "read in full"

STATE AFFAIRS
Pete Laney
He and Marchant are serving on each other's committees again; BFF
Winners: People who like staying up to four in the morning for mundane stuff
Losers: People who don't grow cotton

TRANSPORTATION
Mike Krusee
Loves getting bitched at by armed psycho toll road opponents
Winners: H.B. Zachary and Ric Williamson
Losers: People who want to go from Point A to point B

URBAN AFFAIRS
Kevin Bailey
"After only 16 years I get a real chairmanship! Thanks!"
Winners: Poor people who need low-cost housing
Losers: City officials who don't think cops and firefighters should make $450,000 a year

WAYS AND MEANS
Ron Wilson
Wilson swapped Keffer his stretch Hummer for chairmanship
Winners: Musicians
Losers: Ron's longtime loyal friends

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good stuff! Eileen shoulda never let you start your own blog...

This will end in some sort of humor competition where someone will get hurt.

Billy Clyde said...

Eileen writes this blog. Alter-ego deal.

Miss M said...

Uh-oh. I didn't realize you were gonna up the ante and start getting relevant and organized and funny all at the same time. This could be quite intimidating.

lush said...

CG!

Deece said...

Comparing In the Pink Texas with this blog is like comparing Brie and Pinot Noir with Velveeta and Lone Star Beer -- and I would not have it any other way.

Anonymous said...

Nice!!!!!!!!

However, I think you missed the mark on a couple.

Redistricting: Delwin Jones
Who else??
Winners: Fans of the "dumber than Delwin" award that was named for the only person in history that drew himself out of the legislature.
Losers: ??

Regulated Industries: Stephen Colbert
Winners: Fans of dual podium, opposing testimony (ah, rember the good ol' days...)
Losers: monopolies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bj1Mtv9cD0I

Anonymous said...

I found this site using [url=http://google.com]google.com[/url] And i want to thank you for your work. You have done really very good site. Great work, great site! Thank you!

Sorry for offtopic

Anonymous said...

Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!

Anonymous said...

I truly believe that we have reached the point where technology has become one with our world, and I can say with 99% certainty that we have passed the point of no return in our relationship with technology.


I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Societal concerns aside... I just hope that as memory gets less expensive, the possibility of copying our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could encounter in my lifetime.


(Posted on Nintendo DS running [url=http://quizilla.teennick.com/stories/16129580/does-the-r4-or-r4i-work-with-the-new-ds]R4[/url] DS NetBrowze)

Anonymous said...

[url=http://pdw2010.uoftpharmacy.com/]Where Can I Order Generic Viagra[/url]

Anonymous said...

comment4, amy jo johnson nude, hsijb, ellen barkin nude, byh, amanda tapping hot, >:[[, natalya rudakova playboy, 3410,

Anonymous said...

comment4, ali larter nude, %[, cameron diaz desnuda, 3150, jennifer ellison nude, 8),

Anonymous said...

comment3, jessica alba desnuda, %((, jennifer tilly nude, %OO, jennifer aniston nackt, >:]]],

Anonymous said...

comment2, helena bonham carter nude, 14824,

Anonymous said...

comment5, alessandra ambrosio nude, qhohdb, minka kelly nude, 6779,

Anonymous said...

comment5, vida guerra sex tape, 4616, emily scott nude, :-[[, cheryl cole fakes, %))), olivia wilde desnuda, 299209,

Anonymous said...

comment3, ashley judd nude, 131675, anna kournikova nude, :-[, megan fox fakes, =[[,

Anonymous said...

comment3, kristen bell sex scene, 518, alyson hannigan naked, rzl, nude stars, juab,

Anonymous said...

comment3, world nude stars, yrxwp,

Anonymous said...

, candice michelle sex tape, tlfw, tina fey nude, >:]]], torrie wilson playboy, %-))), grammer playboy pics, udokq,

Anonymous said...

comment1, jane krakowski nude, edfg, belen rodriguez nude, 342, danielle staub nude, 8((,

Anonymous said...

comment 2, [url=http://buycarafateonline.tumblr.com]carafate online[/url]. comment 1, carafate online http://buycarafateonline.tumblr.com order carafate
comment 3, [url=http://buyesidrixonline.tumblr.com]esidrix cheap[/url]. comment 5, cheap esidrix http://buyesidrixonline.tumblr.com esidrix cheap
comment 4, [url=http://buyalesseonline.tumblr.com]purchase alesse[/url]. comment 4, buy alessi http://buyalesseonline.tumblr.com buy alesse online

Anonymous said...

comment 3, [url=http://buydilantinonline.tumblr.com]order dilantin[/url]. comment 9, buy dilantin 100mg http://buydilantinonline.tumblr.com dilantin purchase
comment 9, [url=http://buybrafixonline.tumblr.com]brafix buy[/url]. comment 2, brafix online http://buybrafixonline.tumblr.com buy brafix online
comment 9, [url=http://buyrulideonline.tumblr.com]buy rulide[/url]. comment 2, rulide online http://buyrulideonline.tumblr.com rulide order

Anonymous said...

comment 1, [url=http://buycarafateonline.bligoo.com]online carafate[/url]. comment 7, carafate cheap http://buycarafateonline.bligoo.com carafate buy online
comment 7, [url=http://buyesidrixonline.bligoo.com]order esidrix[/url]. comment 4, esidrix order http://buyesidrixonline.bligoo.com buy esidrix
comment 9, [url=http://buyalesse.bligoo.com]buy alesse 28[/url]. comment 9, buy alesse online http://buyalesse.bligoo.com order alesse online