I'M MAKING A LIST, CHECKING IT TWICE ...

You gotta give the people what they want.

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I had reserved this bandwidth Internet blog space for an in-depth analysis of President Bush's State of the Union Speech. But all my readers care about are House committee assignments.

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So, despite Billy Clyde's better judgment, he will preemptively announce the new House committee assignments, which I can tell you, with 100-percent absolute certitude, will come out tomorrow (or maybe next Thursday).

AGRICULTURE AND LIVESTOCK
Dudley Harrison
The rural and recently departed members have been under-represented for years
Winners: Sheep
Losers: People who need a new tractor or Chevy in the greater Sanderson area

APPROPRIATIONS
Foster Whaley
It's about time someone from Pampa ran the spending panel
Winners: Stock knives
Losers: Gonads

BORDER AND INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
The Honorable Tony Parra
El Paso deserves this fine committee
Winners: Cross-toting convicted AIDS victims
Losers: Gilbert Serna fans

BUSINESS AND INDUSTRY
Helen Giddings
She ain't done nothing wrong
Winners: CVS hair product section
Losers: Bill Hammond

CALENDARS
Nancy Fisher
No need to go through the motions, let's roll!
Winners: Allan Ritter
Losers: Most everyone, including Allan Ritter

CIVIL PRACTICES
Patrick Rose
It's about time, dammit!
Winners: People of of the great state of Texas
Losers: Not a damn soul

CORRECTIONS
Jerry Madden
Someone slipped this guy a statesman pill
Winners: Nerds
Losers: Cool people

CRIMINAL JURISPRUDENCE
Aaron Pena
He'll be sorry he asked for this chairmanship
Winners: Bloggers
Losers: His more-tenured unsophisticated colleagues who still don't get it


CULTURAL, RECREATION AND TOURISM
H. Ray Hildebran
He wants it, and you don't care
WINNERS: Oshman's
LOSERS: Tipton Ross (still)

DEFENSE AFFAIRS AND STATE-FEDERAL RELATIONS
Donald Rumsfield
Corte is a mere colonel
Winners: Freedom
Losers: Cut-and-run weenies

ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT
Lois Kolkhorst
Former Chamber exec just oozes new jobs
Winners: Blue Bell
Losers: Dumbass Grimes County water district opponents

ELECTIONS
Jim Dunnam (just kidding)
Dwayne Bohac
Will keep him from interfering with important stuff
Winners: Hair gel lobby
Losers: Mary Denny (she forgot to file)

ENERGY RESOURCES
Fred Brown
No real reason; a "why not?" deal
Winners: Renewable resources for tanning booths
Losers: Steve Ogden (take THAT!)

ENVIRONMENTAL RESOURCES
Dennis "The Menace" Bonnen
Somehow he hasn't messed this thing up
Winners: Dow
Losers: Hair plug lobby

FINANCIAL INSTITUIONS
Kenny Marchant
Realized he had good deal in '90s
Winners: Credit unions
Losers: Burt Solomons (new touchy-feely Craddick has to bust one of his own)

GENERAL INVESTIGATING AND ETHICS
Joe Deshotel
Beaumont and ethics go together like mustard and peanut butter
Winners: Kevin Bailey (free at last!)
Losers: Mark Stiles

GOVERNMENT REFORM
Tracy King
Chairman's per diem without the pesky meetings
Winners: Tracy King
Losers: Out-of-state hearing aid interlopers

HIGHER EDUCATION
Wilhelmina Delco
Geanie Morrison decided to play bridge w/Anna Mowery, et al (see below)
Winners: Huston-Tilston
Losers: Higher ed lobby

HOUSE ADMINISTRATION
Dawnna Dukes
Will institute strict, yet very stylish, new dress code (sorry, Tuffy)
Winners: Neiman Marcus; tasteful furniture retailers
Losers: Central Austin hippie crybabies

HUMAN SERVICES
John Davis
Understands fundamental truth that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile
Winners: Humanity
Losers: Welfare queens

INSURANCE
John Smithee
Unless John Gavin comes back, it's his for life
Winners: Really nobody
Losers: Really nobody

JUDICIARY
Will "The Man of Steel" Hartnett
Could have Civil Practices, but he likes judges
Winners: Probate lawyers
Losers: People who have to pay $6,000 in junk fees to file a civil claim worth 80 bucks

JUVENILE JUSTICE AND FAMILY ISSUES
Harold V. Dutton, Jr.
Would rather just bitch than chair this committee again
Winners: A lobbyist who can figure out how to get a bill referred to his committee
Losers: Poor clerk who has to write the bill analyses

LAND AND RESOURCES MANAGEMENT
Pat Haggerty
Anna Mowery chairmanship cut into bridge/wine time; still can't find Carolyn Park's office
Winner: People who need a bill reported from LRM
Losers: People who declared victory and gave up on this committee in 2003

LAW ENFORCEMENT
Joe Driver
He actually wants it, and is pretty good at it
Winners: Concealed handgun permit owners
Losers: Folks shot by concealed handguns

LICENSING AND ADMINISTRATIVE PROCEDURES
Kino Flores
Here's a chairman with real power who is feeling his oats
Winners: Tom Spillman, natch
Losers: A day-to-day thing

LOCAL AND CONSENT
Myra Crownover
Genuinely nice person gets year's biggest plum
Winners: Polite people
Losers: Folks who yearn for Yvonne Davis

LOCAL GOVERNMENT WAY AND MEANS
Dan Patrick
Traded his Senate assignments for House position
Winners: The REAL Ways and Means Committee, which gets appraisal bills
Losers: Fred Hill, who has no desk on Senate floor

NATURAL RESOURCES
Robert Puente
Willing-buyer/willing-seller concept confusing, but Bobby Bridge pulls through
Winners: Lobbyists with multi-year contact for interbasin transfers
Losers: Environmentalist who like to yack

PENSIONS AND INVESTMENTS
Dan Gattis/Dan Flynn (to be determined by arm-wrestling competition)
Gattis loses on purpose, sets sites on taking that Patrick Rose guy OUT
Winners: Outside investment consultants
Losers: People who like actuarially sound pension systems

PUBLIC EDUCATION
Rob Eissler
Drew the black bean; soon to find out black beans suck
Winners: Fans of comedy
Losers: Fans of good comedy

PUBLIC HEALTH
Tom Craddick
He's chaired it before and wants another crack; has the time to spare
Winners: Doctors
Losers: Garnet Coleman

REDISTRICTING
Joe Crabb
This committee will not meet this biennium
Winners: n/a
Losers: n/a

REGULATED INDUSTRIES
Roger Williams
Traded fully loaded 2006 extended cab with mag wheels for Phil King's chairmanship
Winners: People who like to "Save Save Save!"
Losers: Dumbasses who go to other dealerships

RULES AND RESOLUTIONS
Tony Goolsby
Has gavel, will travel
Winners: House members with a resolutions they'd like adopted
Losers: People who don't like resolutions "read in full"

STATE AFFAIRS
Pete Laney
He and Marchant are serving on each other's committees again; BFF
Winners: People who like staying up to four in the morning for mundane stuff
Losers: People who don't grow cotton

TRANSPORTATION
Mike Krusee
Loves getting bitched at by armed psycho toll road opponents
Winners: H.B. Zachary and Ric Williamson
Losers: People who want to go from Point A to point B

URBAN AFFAIRS
Kevin Bailey
"After only 16 years I get a real chairmanship! Thanks!"
Winners: Poor people who need low-cost housing
Losers: City officials who don't think cops and firefighters should make $450,000 a year

WAYS AND MEANS
Ron Wilson
Wilson swapped Keffer his stretch Hummer for chairmanship
Winners: Musicians
Losers: Ron's longtime loyal friends