Wednesday, January 3, 2007

FAST TIMES AT HO-BAG HIGH

Turns out that soon-to-be-former-and-future Representative Al Edwards (he's already announced his 2008 comeback) is right and all you wiseacres are dead wrong.

Sexy cheerleading is a GIANT problem that has ripped apart the moral fabric of McKinney and caused massive controversy in the the secondary education and adult toy communities in this Collin County hamlet.

The normally virtuous students, parents and faculty at North McKinney High School have been terrorized by a small group of cheerleaders dubbed The Fab Five (cuz there are five of them). These young leaders of tomorrow make the Girls Gone Wild chicks who spend their spring breaks on South Padre Island seem like Amish spinsters.

Besides demonstrating an utter lack of respect for elders in positions of authority, they like to videotape themselves engaging in lewd acts with candle dildos (never thought I would get to use THAT term), drink themselves silly, and send X-rated text messages to their coaches and coaches' spouses.

So the Head Principle (also the mother of one of these cheerleaders) did what any no-nonsense disciplinarian would do these days. She had the school district spend $40,000 on a local attorney -- no, it wasn't Representative Ken Paxton -- to conduct an exhaustive investigation and compile the sordid findings in a bound report. The report is currently ranked 74th on Amazon.com but made its debut at Number 1 -- yes, Representative Fred Hill pre-ordered several copies -- at the Richardson Barnes & Noble.

You'll have to hit the Newsweek Magazine link above for more details, but one allegation involved a "chocolate tampon." If you happen to know what that is, please do NOT share it with Billy Clyde.

One enraged teacher, recounting the Fab Five's litany of unpunished transgressions, complained: "They believe they cannot be touched."

Something tells me they get touched plenty.

UPDATE: Before the Fab Five, there reportedly was a Terrible Two. These McLean, Virginia cheerleaders (Class of '90) apparently did stuff WAY worse than the McKinney chicks. Guess there's a reason they call them the Hustlin' Highlanders.

4 comments:

lush said...

The phrase Fab 5 has always evoked an almost Pavlovian urge to send Chris Webber a thank you card for one of the finest sports related memories of my young life. Now I'm gonna think of these lil' hookers, too. That ain't right.

fwiw--BC is as generous as he is funny

Billy Clyde said...

I tend to favor the University of Houston Dream Team and its demi-God towel-toting coach, Mr. Guy V. Lewis.

texxasredd said...

THE best cheerleader movie in the world --- The Replacements. Check it out.

Margaritaville said...

I'm reading when I can Billy Clyde, and laughing often. Keep up the good work!